FEAR...................

Life is not fair. Life is not at all fair. no matter how you untangle your mess in life, it pose more tricker situation in front of you.
I want a job. I seriously want a job; whatever kind maybe. Thanks to my stars I got a job. I f I sloved this problem I now came to face to face with new problem. This job is a trash. I hate this job. I hate the sheer name of the job. Whenever I hear this name I feel replusive. I am always stressed out and don't know how to keep myself in safe place. Pablo said that when you want something then the universe conspire against you make it happen.
I have felt that. I know inside me that I want it but there are some more questions which need to be answered. How much I want it? Did I deserve to be there? Am I worth it? Am I making fool of myself? there lords and lords of issue which I have to deal with.
I am very scared. I don't know what to do. My fear for the job or fear of saving my ass is striping my happy hours, my determination and most importantly living life on my own terms. I always felt that I am remote controled. tomorrow I have big test and I have to pass in flying color.
God Help Me!!!!!! I need your blessing.
Your child is very lonely and scared.

time to change

hi,
there is no time to sit by and to see the life just passing by in front of you; there is no time to see that you are in somebody else's control. believe me, nothing sucks more than to losing your control on your self.
so, you need a fresh start. I know, I have said this line many times over but you have to remind yourself time and again, otherwise you lose motivation. I have past my fear( well almost ) and now its time to give second chance to yourself.
First of all, you have to fight your fear. but saying that, it is not at all easy to do in pratice. there are certain fear which you have to overpower for your rest your life and it is continious process which you have to do all along..

i hate it!!!

invasion on privacy

Ok!! here comes one tricky situation - how to handle improper sexual advances from the close quarters of the family? my experiences from my own cousin with whom i have been very close to since childhood.

he never molested me but his behavior is very improper. at the beginning i used to bluff it as my imagination; i used to believe that it was careless and innocent touch. moreover i used to stay in another city and so his chances were less and i have my own stuff to do.

but things changed after i shifted to new city and things became bit complicated when his elder sister was engaged. a typical middle class Bengali families stick together thick and thin. so naturally our visit increased to make preparation for their big day.

it was only during the wedding that i realised his dirty mind. during a typical Bengali wedding a mass bedding is led on where all the relation sleep like there are stucked in odd hours in the station. anyway during the celebration he would always tried to sleep beside me and the odd hours in the night he used to touch me inappropriately. it was then i realised that whatever i used to think all this years was true!

i don't know how i felt at that moment - for few moment i was blank; i was clueless, out of my wits and totally confused......... actually i don't know how i was reacting. the cousin is four years younger and i used to treat him like Kidd bro. he stripped all kind of dignity( i don't know what else to say). but there was one more shock to come. he is doing same thing one of my cousin. this girl is same age as my this so called Kidd bro and she is in serious relationship. i was thinking did i was giving any signal which he misunderstood but after listing same ordeal from my another cousin i realised that this guy in nothing else than a - bastard.

but my problem does not end there. i just want show my rage to him, i want to charge him face to face but i am unable to do so, i am overpowered with shyness and embarrassment and my silence has given more courage to invade my privacy. i am trying to avoid him and trying to maintained as nothing happened. the problem is he behave normally in social gathering but at home he is horrible. he just keep on insisting to share the bed and show his devil side pretending to be asleep. he loves pornography and i was surprised to see that he was quite bold enough to see this banned sites in my comp.

things are getting out of hand. this bastard is banking on our silence and our embarrassment. he has realised that we wont say anything to anybody. we share our ordeal with my other cousin and i am too ashamed to talk all this stuff with my parents. i will i say to my father that your own sis's son is a moron. but i have to do something. i have to stand up for my dignity. this silence is killing me and i am very much ashamed in myself. i have to charge him red handed.....

please give me courage to talk about this stuff( because i am too embrassed to talk openly). please give me courage because this guy is a coward who just stab in the back.

THANK YOU GIRLS!!!!!

Hi,

Life is very strange thing and according to me it is the most mystifying thing in the world. The more you try to tame it, more it glide away from our hand. I know this thing had been told now and then but it is very true that our life never shape like we plan. It has its own journey.

I just wondered how can I live my life peacefully when nothing goes according to my plans. I never gave a serious thought regarding this matter but when you are down with your stars these vague queries just popped in your head like popcorn and believe me it is very scary.

With all these doubt I got chance to teach two young girls as a private tutors. These 6th std girls are from different families, different school, different upbringing and of course poles apart personalities. But they are unique, special and enriching ( at least for me ) in their own ways. Teaching these girls kept me engaged in weekdays. As a teacher my job was to give them lesson but I have least idea that in return I can learn and see many things from them. I also found that daily life can be fun if we are ready to pick the its-bits of our life. But more importantly we should step up from our well in our conscience than life can be very enriching.

There are also many other things which I have gained from this girls. The list is long which I am unable to expressed in proper terms. Your unconditional love, support, your complete trust, your faith in me has really helped me to mend my broken confidence. And of course your childish quries, your innocent antics and your sweet pranks has always made my day.

Thank you girls!!!!! For Everything

Telling Likes !!!!!!

OK!!! let talk about something different ............ something different aspect of my life. lets talk about my likes. And dislike - may be some other time..........

Now I'm lost. I don"t know from where do I start. hmm.... OK; I like books especially novels. I generally prefer classic English literature. But now a days I'm trying to expand my range. Now a days I like to read books ranging from detective to adventure.

I like good music; music of popular taste appeals me like top chart buster bollywood movies and sometimes English but my liking is strictly limited. but sometimes I like soft melodious folks music and sometimes songs from my native language- Bengali

I like movies especially Hollywood and Bollywood movies. But after coming in Kolkata and watching some of the internationally acclaimed movies, my liking has enriched. today i watched a beautiful Bengali film - Antaheen........ man, i really liked. I'm think of making a copy of this film.

Okey, i want to say something. All these above hobbies has been there since childhood and they will be there when I'll take my last breath. But other than that there are few which I'll definitely like to develop in my near future or in other word I have developed an interest in recent years.

1. Love for photography - This digital camera is the best thing that can happen in the field of photography. unlimited photography has given me a budding desire to explore this field. I'm still in initial stage but then I want to give it a shot.

2. Love for travelling - I'm 26 and I've never traveled in my life. I always wanted to see the world; the world which is completely different from our world. The people, their custom and their manners .............. all these thing has always fascinates me. Actually my love for books, world cinema. In fact my intrest for studying journalism came from this thing. I never got chance is another story but I think I can travel many places before I die ....... maybe........... (amen)

3. Want to pursue something creative - I always remain a slacker in my life. I never pursue any extra- cirrucualr activity. but now I want to learn something. I think something musical ...... maybe dance or playing any musical intrument ..... anything ...... i've not decided yet.

4. Starting cooking - again i want to prepare different recipe ..................

Last few thing may not come as my favorite hobbies. In fact it changed into something I want to do. But i want of them to be part of life. It'll be a great fun.........

Something New Maybe......? who knows.....

I was till struggling with my demons when out of nowhere I got an offer for an tuition. It was fortnight ago when suddenly my phone rang. I was asked to teach arts to a 6th standard kid. I have to do three days a week to teach her subject.

The offer is not at all attractive; to teach five subject I am just merely paid Rs 700. And moreover it is not in my locality. I have to take a bus ride for about half an hours to reach my destination. Financially speaking I am gaining nothing. It has nothing to do with a good lucrative career or the money I am getting it not fit for me to buy me a pair of good shoes!! But at this delicate point of my life; first I have to recollect my strength, my confidence and my hope without which I cannot face the outside world.