4 November,

Hi,

when do you think everything is going to your plan? just tell me what is the feeling of being taking life in your control. i beg for my construction of my words as they are coming randomly form my head. I am even not watch over the spelling nor I am raising my head to check my answers.
 you will think not again............... again she is weeping her insecurities over her words. there are no one to rescue me from my worries, my insecurities or my frustration, so i end up throwing my pains in words. I assume that at least my words will understand the true me. when i am writing ( most of the time nonsense) but it give me a sense of worthiness in me. I went back to my dull life with new energy.
each one of us want to make niche of herself in this world. some professionally and some personally. Well, my deepest desire is to write; just write like a queen.
but just like any wannabe writer my days are filled with thought for writing but I seldom write.
I don't want to get married because i thought marriage is the end of life but looking at everybody and listening to everybody, I decided to get married. Now i am married ready to complete my first anniversary but i don't know is this the life which i wanted? Am I happy because I don't feel so. everyday we have share of our fight which end up in violent steak.
My in laws assumed that a girl has to be a domestic goddess no matter what. you have to be born as domestic goddess otherwise your other thing  are of no use. and last but not the least, men in my in laws's house including my husband are not born to cooperate or share household work. this things has to done by females in family.
Apart from that, there are loads of superstitions and customs which are are part of sophisticated culture of my in laws's family. Now, a rational, an iconoclast, male bashing feminist and a rebellious girls like me, this things are outrageous.
now here i am stuck in bad marriage for life. I am dying. HELP!!!

(if somebody who bother to read my blog doesn't understand a bit, then your displeasure is regretted as I wrote what came to my mind and i am not very comfortable with keybord as my hand doesnot match my mind.)

13 September, 2013

Hi,
I promise myself that I will write blog everyday; just like diary writing. Then I reformed myself I recapitulate that I will write a blog frequently, if not regularly and definitely not occasionally. however my bad luck I am sucked in my decision. No doubt I start but did not finish. there are lots and lots draft which I fail to complete. I have to take my blog very seriously.

Right now, In my new life ( i.e married life ), I am facing a huge financial crunches. in other words,I have to count my each penny. Now I always been a spendthrift and had very casual approach toward money. This is another reason for which I was never been serious about my career. Moreover,all the money woes are been taken care of by parents. I was not daddy's spoilt brat who loves to spend dad hard earned money but then I didn't even bothered about it.
Right now I am working as a part time trainer in an NGO but I have to increase my productivity.
How I will tell you later...... still then Bye

Life goes on

30 May, 2013

Hi,

Its been long long time. Actually its been almost two years since my last blog. So much has changed since then.
Back then I was still frustrated, under confident, desperate, unemployed youth who don't know from where to start. Now when I look myself I still see the same gal with the same problem but things have slightly changed. good or bad, I don't know but change is definitely there.
I think, maybe I have became calmer, quieter, yes little bit older but wisher... hmm.... maybe or yes maybee... I don't know ? Only time will answer that.
The thing which has definitely changed is that Ms Nobody has changed to Mrs Nobody. Now this newly wed Mrs Nobody has to deal with all new sets of problem along with the old one. Life is far from boring; its new kind of depression which surrounds me now.
To begin with, as you can see I am still late to post my blog. This is the basic thing which I am showing you. I am still late, still casual, still over dreamy and most important of all very late to propagate the situation. All this has created a havoc in my married life. Along with that new sets of problem which arise when you enter into new horizon leaving your past abode and its memories behind. I am in hell. I am again writing in this same blog to start my afresh, Again.
I realized that going here and there will not save my ass. I have to start from where I have left. so, again after two years and going round to all the new blog sites I have realised that you can't find peace away from the things you like. I like Blogpost and I have returned back home.

Still then,
Bye

FEAR...................

Life is not fair. Life is not at all fair. no matter how you untangle your mess in life, it pose more tricker situation in front of you.
I want a job. I seriously want a job; whatever kind maybe. Thanks to my stars I got a job. I f I sloved this problem I now came to face to face with new problem. This job is a trash. I hate this job. I hate the sheer name of the job. Whenever I hear this name I feel replusive. I am always stressed out and don't know how to keep myself in safe place. Pablo said that when you want something then the universe conspire against you make it happen.
I have felt that. I know inside me that I want it but there are some more questions which need to be answered. How much I want it? Did I deserve to be there? Am I worth it? Am I making fool of myself? there lords and lords of issue which I have to deal with.
I am very scared. I don't know what to do. My fear for the job or fear of saving my ass is striping my happy hours, my determination and most importantly living life on my own terms. I always felt that I am remote controled. tomorrow I have big test and I have to pass in flying color.
God Help Me!!!!!! I need your blessing.
Your child is very lonely and scared.

time to change

hi,
there is no time to sit by and to see the life just passing by in front of you; there is no time to see that you are in somebody else's control. believe me, nothing sucks more than to losing your control on your self.
so, you need a fresh start. I know, I have said this line many times over but you have to remind yourself time and again, otherwise you lose motivation. I have past my fear( well almost ) and now its time to give second chance to yourself.
First of all, you have to fight your fear. but saying that, it is not at all easy to do in pratice. there are certain fear which you have to overpower for your rest your life and it is continious process which you have to do all along..

i hate it!!!

invasion on privacy

Ok!! here comes one tricky situation - how to handle improper sexual advances from the close quarters of the family? my experiences from my own cousin with whom i have been very close to since childhood.

he never molested me but his behavior is very improper. at the beginning i used to bluff it as my imagination; i used to believe that it was careless and innocent touch. moreover i used to stay in another city and so his chances were less and i have my own stuff to do.

but things changed after i shifted to new city and things became bit complicated when his elder sister was engaged. a typical middle class Bengali families stick together thick and thin. so naturally our visit increased to make preparation for their big day.

it was only during the wedding that i realised his dirty mind. during a typical Bengali wedding a mass bedding is led on where all the relation sleep like there are stucked in odd hours in the station. anyway during the celebration he would always tried to sleep beside me and the odd hours in the night he used to touch me inappropriately. it was then i realised that whatever i used to think all this years was true!

i don't know how i felt at that moment - for few moment i was blank; i was clueless, out of my wits and totally confused......... actually i don't know how i was reacting. the cousin is four years younger and i used to treat him like Kidd bro. he stripped all kind of dignity( i don't know what else to say). but there was one more shock to come. he is doing same thing one of my cousin. this girl is same age as my this so called Kidd bro and she is in serious relationship. i was thinking did i was giving any signal which he misunderstood but after listing same ordeal from my another cousin i realised that this guy in nothing else than a - bastard.

but my problem does not end there. i just want show my rage to him, i want to charge him face to face but i am unable to do so, i am overpowered with shyness and embarrassment and my silence has given more courage to invade my privacy. i am trying to avoid him and trying to maintained as nothing happened. the problem is he behave normally in social gathering but at home he is horrible. he just keep on insisting to share the bed and show his devil side pretending to be asleep. he loves pornography and i was surprised to see that he was quite bold enough to see this banned sites in my comp.

things are getting out of hand. this bastard is banking on our silence and our embarrassment. he has realised that we wont say anything to anybody. we share our ordeal with my other cousin and i am too ashamed to talk all this stuff with my parents. i will i say to my father that your own sis's son is a moron. but i have to do something. i have to stand up for my dignity. this silence is killing me and i am very much ashamed in myself. i have to charge him red handed.....

please give me courage to talk about this stuff( because i am too embrassed to talk openly). please give me courage because this guy is a coward who just stab in the back.