Life of an anxious unemployer

 Hi 

If you have seen some of my previous blogs, you would have assumed that I have lost my job and am currently in a frenzy.

Now, one must wonder why I lost my job. The answer is that I became the victim of office politics, and there was a strong alliance that was hell-bent on replacing me at any cost. But I also played an important part in not being proactive in handling the situation. I assumed that everything would be okay after a point. But that was not true. I left high and dry.

It's been almost a year since I've been sitting at home. For the past few months, I was cooling off because it was a big blow to my trustt and integrity. At the same time, I was cooling myself off because being a working woman can burn you inside and out. But I was withering away. When everyone is celebrating, I was cooped up in the corner.

There are lots of thoughts and insecurities that you don't even know exist, starting to creep out like weeds from the fragment of my shattered and bruised ego. Every day, I am losing hope. I am feeling frustrated, angry, and worried. I don't know whether I will move forward from here or it will put a complete break on my career and life. I am 42, and I don't want to start from scratch. I have always been a below-average girl who almost sucks at everything. So, I don't know what is in store for me in the coming months. On the bright side, I still believe that some higher power is with me and is constantly looking over me. I am blessed with my family, including my husband, who never stops supporting me, my MIL, who never criticizes me, my parents, and my two dogs. I refer to them as dogs for my reader, but my husband and I consider them as my children, angels, and very precious gifts from the Almighty. They make sure that I do not feel low or depressed.

I am still hopeful that something wonderful will happen that I have not imagined for myself.

Day ????

I started rewriting my blog to streamline my life. But your old habits refuse to die down. These old habits are the life of a spoiled child raised by lenient and indecisive parents. You know all the dos and don'ts. you know the things you have to work on but some kind of negative energy binds you to the floor and with their tight grip holds your limbs together. you feeling suffocated, gaged, and helpless.

Most days, if not all, I stare at the computer screen or the pages of my books and don't know what to do or where to start. Even if I start something, my mind goes bonkers and I soon lose interest. to soothe my bruised ego I try to say "Well that's a good start". My subconscious mind says "Start!! What did you start?" Throughout the day I feel wasted and go to sleep with the bitter truth. 

I hit the sack without getting tired and woke up dull and tired. This thing has become an infinity loop which I want to break out of but am unable to do so.

This year I have been jobless for the most part of my time. I have been the victim of office politics no doubt but my negative attitude played a big role. it is a wake-up call for me. I do not want to repeat this mistake. By the end of the year, I want to change myself to 360 degrees but still a long way to go.

DAY 116

 Dear Diary

Today is day 116. I have made a plan for myself; it can be termed a glorified routine. There are things which I need to do every day but somehow I need to stick to them. My struggle is real. 

There was a time when I felt absolutely motivated to do something new every day but lost track and I was just drifting without any aim or direction. I got addicted to the most notorious poison of ours wasting most of my time on mobile. I hardly do anything fruitful with my mobile and the most annoying part is that I know that I am not doing what was supposed to be done. I spend hours and hours in that nuisance.

As a result, my days end feeling absolutely trash and wasted not because I have burned out from the heavy workload but due to the lingering feeling that I have not done enough work to end the day as the most productive day.

The greatest battle is the battle with yourself and the people around the world who are fighting the same battle every day are true fighters. it is easy to fight against the vice of the other person but it is very difficult to fight with your own vice. It's a big SHOUTOUT to those who are battling their demon to bring out the best version of themself.  👏👏

The day I left my job, I decided that I would reinvent myself so that I could be better than I am right now. I chose not to feel sorry for myself which I think was a remarkable thing about myself. I decided that I would give myself 4 months to upgrade myself but my idling has derailed me from my path. Now I am struggling with my addiction. But I have not lost all my hope. I try to keep my spirit up. Seriously spending your time on mobile is a serious addiction! So I have decided to give myself some more time. I want to reinvent myself by the end of the year. I want to glow up by this year. I want to remember year 2024 as the year I bring positive change in myself and not with some sorry setbacks. therefore I have started to write the blog again to register for this journey.

Let there be some bloodshed!!!

BYE.

Shraboni 2.0 And the story continues...... Day 109

 Dear my imaginary friends

See you after a long time. It's so funny that I come to one of the oldest blog posts when I am in my deepest shit. And so a lot of things happened in between... So a quick brief up.....

• I finished my teacher training course
• and found my soul friends in the form of four-legged angels. they made my life happier than ever
• then Covid happened.... Thankfully me and my family were okay during the pandemic
• However, I lost a lot of close ones. Many people have passed the Rainbow Bridge. there is the sudden realization that time is constantly changing. People who were our wall and my fort are now crumbling down. now it's time for us to take the front stage but I am doing (as usual!) a shitty job.
• Completed my CTET but didn't add it's value
• I have started doing a Google certificate course but never completed it
• My mother who was once a very talented lady is now suffering from Dementia, Glaucoma which resulted in near blindness and of course hearing loss.
• The relationship has sour with my brother and I don't know whether it will improve or not
• left my previous job with a slight hike in salary into a new job
• Last but not least, I was fired from my current job and am now JOBLESS!!

So, this is the current update of my life. I have seen the worst day in life. So, the good thing, I am not panicking. I am taking this as a break to upgrade myself, both professionally and personally. The only huddle is that I am sipping into my old habit.. Lack of focus, concentration lapse, diving into temptation, and addiction. This time it is mobile addiction that is derailing my lean period. so I will try to keep account of my journey my struggles and achievements so that I can keep track of my life.

10 light years after I am stiil me!!! Shraboni 2.0

Hi,

After a lot of hula boo, I finally ended up from where I begin. A lot of things has changed but still a lot of remains unchanged. It's funny to write again on the same page after nearly having divorced with writing. Frankly speaking, writing has become a distant dream. I have lost my motivation and mojo.

However I must say whenever some shit happens in my life, I try to find my solace in writing. Funny Ha!!!
So what happened to me after 2015 which is actually my last blog post in this platform. So let me get clear that I was still into writing but all the ideas are in my head and I tried many other platforms but blogging platform has diminished over the years and I don't feel like writing about it. Till date, it was the best platform I have.
Secondly, there is a lot of other stuff which was going in my life. Job and thankfully decent one and took the teacher training has been achieved. one positive output is that I finally overcame my frustration for not fulfilling my dream of not getting admitted to Mass Communication. When I started this blog I was seriously depressed and disillusioned. I was totally a trainwreck. It was not of the darkest period of my life. If I wouldn't have documented my pitfall, I would have turned suicidal.

Thankfully I have left those days behind. Now I am a full-time school teacher and yes I have persued the profession which I resented most. Now I like to teach. Again in these 10 years, I have become more city pro which I always dreamed of. I am more independent and I won't trade that with anything.

Having said that I want to state very clearly that I am still me with all the insecurities, obsession and what not. I am still lazy, still lives in illusion and lazy. Now I am married and a family to support minus children with an extreme financial crunch and hubby business just giving lukewarm support and my salary not supporting enough, My life is again in the middle of the circus ring.
Now i have fresh sets of nightmare and it comes with Shraboni's problem 2.0.... Life journey continues.

22/2/2015

hi,

I don,t know when the last time I wrote this. whenever I want to do something meaningful I just do something this or that but never those which need to be done. As a result, the whole day is wasted and the end of the day I feel miserable, guilty and most importantly empty. this emptiness is killing me.

One silver lining is that I am still in a steady relationship with my hope. she hadn't left me. Thank God! for that. I keep on trying. Fail .... hmm.. yes ....most of the time but try to learn from the mistakes. There are a lot to be done with me, but I am getting a better version of myself inch by inch, day by day.
 Marriage has changed me a lot. I am still impulsive, lazy and highly sensitive, but I can control way better. relationship with husband........... hmm........ not the romantic types..... and definitely not the very humdrum or boring....... but very realist and practical one. (Please don't get any wrong idea about him. In fact, he is the most genuine and compassionate guy I came across. Very trustworthy and loyal to me. Things which has become very rare in 21st century relationship). Now both of us standing on the flimsy and wet ground which is losing its capacity to hold us for long.

Since my teenage years I want my life to be the adventurous one where I have a chance to explore my horizon; to be able to learn something every day. never in my wildest dream I thought that it will be realized in the boring four corners of the domestic wall.

Being a 21st century gal,  I have to excel in everything. I have to be a domestic goddess, smart career women who have an excellent knack for shifting gear from close four corners of your house to the endless horizon under the blue sky.

During the first year of my marriage, I kept on complaining about this new phase in my life. Then I realize I will go nowhere with my complaints and not eevn to my husband. Yes...... seems shocking.......... We are always been told that this special man with change your life,turns yours life in a Disney land but no..

Our society put so much pressure on getting married. there are thought which are sowed in our head that you marriage will solve your problem and when there is love it will take you anywhere you want.BULLSHIT!! every relationship comes with its demand and to make your relationship works you have to search a person with whom you are more competent with.... love can bear its fruits from them. don't take your baggage with you.nobody wants to bear your burden whole life singlehandedly. even I also hate to hear his excuses and petty complaints and frustrations all the time. I so get fuck up. if it can happen to me then why he will feel it the same way. Now I deal with my own problems.

This is my current background....... I hope thatI will write soon... And yes, I have told I don't know what numbers of time..... I'll write, I'll write...... but this time am serious. Till then BYE and wish me that I write soon.
BYE!

Hi.

sorry, for not writing a thing for so many days. I will not say that 'I was busy', 'something great was happening' 'I was sick' and many blah blah blah.......... The main reason is that........... ok there is no main reasons. I was lazy, too exhausted at one time to angry on the other time. I don't have any excuse to defend me.

having saying that I don't want to shed my shit and frustration on the virtual paper. I want to write something very meaningful. ( MEANINGFUL is a big word. I will say words which makes some senses).

Once upon a time when all the 15 years olds trying to figure out their lives, I would sit in my modest cot all the crawled up and eyes blurred with dreams and fantasies. I want to travel, to see many things, meet different peoples and to interact with different cultures. Ironically life turned outdo be something else. now when I look back I have regrets but i got wisher with age. ht.

Few dreams never able to see the first ray of the sunlight but still there are moment in life that makes you stop and give a small smile or maybe a wink in your face.