Dear Life,

Please tell me how to process loss? How to make sense of sudden death without any prior notice? How to have peace with yourself that a person of flesh and blood, a part of your life, your major driving force who has shaped the person you are today, now only be remembered in your memories? 

Life of an anxious unemployer

 Hi 

If you have seen some of my previous blogs, you would have assumed that I have lost my job and am currently in a frenzy.

Now, one must wonder why I lost my job. The answer is that I became the victim of office politics, and there was a strong alliance that was hell-bent on replacing me at any cost. But I also played an important part in not being proactive in handling the situation. I assumed that everything would be okay after a point. But that was not true. I left high and dry.

It's been almost a year since I've been sitting at home. For the past few months, I was cooling off because it was a big blow to my trustt and integrity. At the same time, I was cooling myself off because being a working woman can burn you inside and out. But I was withering away. When everyone is celebrating, I was cooped up in the corner.

There are lots of thoughts and insecurities that you don't even know exist, starting to creep out like weeds from the fragment of my shattered and bruised ego. Every day, I am losing hope. I am feeling frustrated, angry, and worried. I don't know whether I will move forward from here or it will put a complete break on my career and life. I am 42, and I don't want to start from scratch. I have always been a below-average girl who almost sucks at everything. So, I don't know what is in store for me in the coming months. On the bright side, I still believe that some higher power is with me and is constantly looking over me. I am blessed with my family, including my husband, who never stops supporting me, my MIL, who never criticizes me, my parents, and my two dogs. I refer to them as dogs for my reader, but my husband and I consider them as my children, angels, and very precious gifts from the Almighty. They make sure that I do not feel low or depressed.

I am still hopeful that something wonderful will happen that I have not imagined for myself.

Day ????

I started rewriting my blog to streamline my life. But your old habits refuse to die down. These old habits are the life of a spoiled child raised by lenient and indecisive parents. You know all the dos and don'ts. you know the things you have to work on but some kind of negative energy binds you to the floor and with their tight grip holds your limbs together. you feeling suffocated, gaged, and helpless.

Most days, if not all, I stare at the computer screen or the pages of my books and don't know what to do or where to start. Even if I start something, my mind goes bonkers and I soon lose interest. to soothe my bruised ego I try to say "Well that's a good start". My subconscious mind says "Start!! What did you start?" Throughout the day I feel wasted and go to sleep with the bitter truth. 

I hit the sack without getting tired and woke up dull and tired. This thing has become an infinity loop which I want to break out of but am unable to do so.

This year I have been jobless for the most part of my time. I have been the victim of office politics no doubt but my negative attitude played a big role. it is a wake-up call for me. I do not want to repeat this mistake. By the end of the year, I want to change myself to 360 degrees but still a long way to go.

DAY 116

 Dear Diary

Today is day 116. I have made a plan for myself; it can be termed a glorified routine. There are things which I need to do every day but somehow I need to stick to them. My struggle is real. 

There was a time when I felt absolutely motivated to do something new every day but lost track and I was just drifting without any aim or direction. I got addicted to the most notorious poison of ours wasting most of my time on mobile. I hardly do anything fruitful with my mobile and the most annoying part is that I know that I am not doing what was supposed to be done. I spend hours and hours in that nuisance.

As a result, my days end feeling absolutely trash and wasted not because I have burned out from the heavy workload but due to the lingering feeling that I have not done enough work to end the day as the most productive day.

The greatest battle is the battle with yourself and the people around the world who are fighting the same battle every day are true fighters. it is easy to fight against the vice of the other person but it is very difficult to fight with your own vice. It's a big SHOUTOUT to those who are battling their demon to bring out the best version of themself.  👏👏

The day I left my job, I decided that I would reinvent myself so that I could be better than I am right now. I chose not to feel sorry for myself which I think was a remarkable thing about myself. I decided that I would give myself 4 months to upgrade myself but my idling has derailed me from my path. Now I am struggling with my addiction. But I have not lost all my hope. I try to keep my spirit up. Seriously spending your time on mobile is a serious addiction! So I have decided to give myself some more time. I want to reinvent myself by the end of the year. I want to glow up by this year. I want to remember year 2024 as the year I bring positive change in myself and not with some sorry setbacks. therefore I have started to write the blog again to register for this journey.

Let there be some bloodshed!!!

BYE.

Shraboni 2.0 And the story continues...... Day 109

 Dear my imaginary friends

See you after a long time. It's so funny that I come to one of the oldest blog posts when I am in my deepest shit. And so a lot of things happened in between... So a quick brief up.....

• I finished my teacher training course
• and found my soul friends in the form of four-legged angels. they made my life happier than ever
• then Covid happened.... Thankfully me and my family were okay during the pandemic
• However, I lost a lot of close ones. Many people have passed the Rainbow Bridge. there is the sudden realization that time is constantly changing. People who were our wall and my fort are now crumbling down. now it's time for us to take the front stage but I am doing (as usual!) a shitty job.
• Completed my CTET but didn't add it's value
• I have started doing a Google certificate course but never completed it
• My mother who was once a very talented lady is now suffering from Dementia, Glaucoma which resulted in near blindness and of course hearing loss.
• The relationship has sour with my brother and I don't know whether it will improve or not
• left my previous job with a slight hike in salary into a new job
• Last but not least, I was fired from my current job and am now JOBLESS!!

So, this is the current update of my life. I have seen the worst day in life. So, the good thing, I am not panicking. I am taking this as a break to upgrade myself, both professionally and personally. The only huddle is that I am sipping into my old habit.. Lack of focus, concentration lapse, diving into temptation, and addiction. This time it is mobile addiction that is derailing my lean period. so I will try to keep account of my journey my struggles and achievements so that I can keep track of my life.

10 light years after I am stiil me!!! Shraboni 2.0

Hi,

After a lot of hula boo, I finally ended up from where I begin. A lot of things has changed but still a lot of remains unchanged. It's funny to write again on the same page after nearly having divorced with writing. Frankly speaking, writing has become a distant dream. I have lost my motivation and mojo.

However I must say whenever some shit happens in my life, I try to find my solace in writing. Funny Ha!!!
So what happened to me after 2015 which is actually my last blog post in this platform. So let me get clear that I was still into writing but all the ideas are in my head and I tried many other platforms but blogging platform has diminished over the years and I don't feel like writing about it. Till date, it was the best platform I have.
Secondly, there is a lot of other stuff which was going in my life. Job and thankfully decent one and took the teacher training has been achieved. one positive output is that I finally overcame my frustration for not fulfilling my dream of not getting admitted to Mass Communication. When I started this blog I was seriously depressed and disillusioned. I was totally a trainwreck. It was not of the darkest period of my life. If I wouldn't have documented my pitfall, I would have turned suicidal.

Thankfully I have left those days behind. Now I am a full-time school teacher and yes I have persued the profession which I resented most. Now I like to teach. Again in these 10 years, I have become more city pro which I always dreamed of. I am more independent and I won't trade that with anything.

Having said that I want to state very clearly that I am still me with all the insecurities, obsession and what not. I am still lazy, still lives in illusion and lazy. Now I am married and a family to support minus children with an extreme financial crunch and hubby business just giving lukewarm support and my salary not supporting enough, My life is again in the middle of the circus ring.
Now i have fresh sets of nightmare and it comes with Shraboni's problem 2.0.... Life journey continues.

22/2/2015

hi,

I don,t know when the last time I wrote this. whenever I want to do something meaningful I just do something this or that but never those which need to be done. As a result, the whole day is wasted and the end of the day I feel miserable, guilty and most importantly empty. this emptiness is killing me.

One silver lining is that I am still in a steady relationship with my hope. she hadn't left me. Thank God! for that. I keep on trying. Fail .... hmm.. yes ....most of the time but try to learn from the mistakes. There are a lot to be done with me, but I am getting a better version of myself inch by inch, day by day.
 Marriage has changed me a lot. I am still impulsive, lazy and highly sensitive, but I can control way better. relationship with husband........... hmm........ not the romantic types..... and definitely not the very humdrum or boring....... but very realist and practical one. (Please don't get any wrong idea about him. In fact, he is the most genuine and compassionate guy I came across. Very trustworthy and loyal to me. Things which has become very rare in 21st century relationship). Now both of us standing on the flimsy and wet ground which is losing its capacity to hold us for long.

Since my teenage years I want my life to be the adventurous one where I have a chance to explore my horizon; to be able to learn something every day. never in my wildest dream I thought that it will be realized in the boring four corners of the domestic wall.

Being a 21st century gal,  I have to excel in everything. I have to be a domestic goddess, smart career women who have an excellent knack for shifting gear from close four corners of your house to the endless horizon under the blue sky.

During the first year of my marriage, I kept on complaining about this new phase in my life. Then I realize I will go nowhere with my complaints and not eevn to my husband. Yes...... seems shocking.......... We are always been told that this special man with change your life,turns yours life in a Disney land but no..

Our society put so much pressure on getting married. there are thought which are sowed in our head that you marriage will solve your problem and when there is love it will take you anywhere you want.BULLSHIT!! every relationship comes with its demand and to make your relationship works you have to search a person with whom you are more competent with.... love can bear its fruits from them. don't take your baggage with you.nobody wants to bear your burden whole life singlehandedly. even I also hate to hear his excuses and petty complaints and frustrations all the time. I so get fuck up. if it can happen to me then why he will feel it the same way. Now I deal with my own problems.

This is my current background....... I hope thatI will write soon... And yes, I have told I don't know what numbers of time..... I'll write, I'll write...... but this time am serious. Till then BYE and wish me that I write soon.
BYE!

Hi.

sorry, for not writing a thing for so many days. I will not say that 'I was busy', 'something great was happening' 'I was sick' and many blah blah blah.......... The main reason is that........... ok there is no main reasons. I was lazy, too exhausted at one time to angry on the other time. I don't have any excuse to defend me.

having saying that I don't want to shed my shit and frustration on the virtual paper. I want to write something very meaningful. ( MEANINGFUL is a big word. I will say words which makes some senses).

Once upon a time when all the 15 years olds trying to figure out their lives, I would sit in my modest cot all the crawled up and eyes blurred with dreams and fantasies. I want to travel, to see many things, meet different peoples and to interact with different cultures. Ironically life turned outdo be something else. now when I look back I have regrets but i got wisher with age. ht.

Few dreams never able to see the first ray of the sunlight but still there are moment in life that makes you stop and give a small smile or maybe a wink in your face.

Live to Live

1st January, 2014

Again, Time has changed its course giving new hope and dimension to the world. Again, its time to give fresh colour to your life, turning new leaf and thrive to be a better person. With this note, I wish a very grand happy new year. Since nobody is there to listen to me, I wish myself a very happy and prosperous new year.

As I said its time to start afresh, I looked backward and forward at the same time. I looked backward to collect those pieces of that little girl who wants to conquer the world and want to set her feet on the untrod den road . At the same time I look forward to a woman who has already set her path and now she is walking along in this time tested path where many women has walked along.

On my 30th year on this world, I found that life is not filled with rosy colour and at the same time there are many color which may not be as bright as rose but they do enrich your life. I found that when you want to push your boundaries, then life throw you in a corner and when you make room in that corner, life again push to a new boundaries. You may not like it. You dreams may shatter, you may get lost and it is most likely that you will be seriously heartbroken. You may think yourself as a piece of garbage and a puppet in the hand of fate. What you will do then?

Have Faith. When big things don,t happens, settle for small things. sometimes letting it go is the biggest and toughest decision in life.Fight as much as you can. Fight till you drop. But before giving up, and then put down your guns.

Open up. Open Up to all the new experiences and adventure. You may not know what you  may see in the next corner. Some times the things which appears  be boring may not be so boring. Today I loved being settling down with a man who is not at all perfect and not even close to be my dream man but some how i learnt to love him. His all new and old and even odd whimsies is now a part of my being.

Yet, the little robust young girl refuse to die down. Even I don't want to kill it either. If I kill that girl, then I will die itself. Today whatever I am because of her. In spite of all her follies, setbacks and defeat, she was the girl of her own. She choose what she liked and know how to stick to it. she knew what she want from life. She was unapologetic, brave, optimist and brave.

On my 30th year, I conglomerate that little girl and the wiser young women to became a better person who is ready to take out a new leaf and give her life a refreshing twist. With this note,

Happy New Year, 2014!

4 November,

Hi,

when do you think everything is going to your plan? just tell me what is the feeling of being taking life in your control. i beg for my construction of my words as they are coming randomly form my head. I am even not watch over the spelling nor I am raising my head to check my answers.
 you will think not again............... again she is weeping her insecurities over her words. there are no one to rescue me from my worries, my insecurities or my frustration, so i end up throwing my pains in words. I assume that at least my words will understand the true me. when i am writing ( most of the time nonsense) but it give me a sense of worthiness in me. I went back to my dull life with new energy.
each one of us want to make niche of herself in this world. some professionally and some personally. Well, my deepest desire is to write; just write like a queen.
but just like any wannabe writer my days are filled with thought for writing but I seldom write.
I don't want to get married because i thought marriage is the end of life but looking at everybody and listening to everybody, I decided to get married. Now i am married ready to complete my first anniversary but i don't know is this the life which i wanted? Am I happy because I don't feel so. everyday we have share of our fight which end up in violent steak.
My in laws assumed that a girl has to be a domestic goddess no matter what. you have to be born as domestic goddess otherwise your other thing  are of no use. and last but not the least, men in my in laws's house including my husband are not born to cooperate or share household work. this things has to done by females in family.
Apart from that, there are loads of superstitions and customs which are are part of sophisticated culture of my in laws's family. Now, a rational, an iconoclast, male bashing feminist and a rebellious girls like me, this things are outrageous.
now here i am stuck in bad marriage for life. I am dying. HELP!!!

(if somebody who bother to read my blog doesn't understand a bit, then your displeasure is regretted as I wrote what came to my mind and i am not very comfortable with keybord as my hand doesnot match my mind.)

13 September, 2013

Hi,
I promise myself that I will write blog everyday; just like diary writing. Then I reformed myself I recapitulate that I will write a blog frequently, if not regularly and definitely not occasionally. however my bad luck I am sucked in my decision. No doubt I start but did not finish. there are lots and lots draft which I fail to complete. I have to take my blog very seriously.

Right now, In my new life ( i.e married life ), I am facing a huge financial crunches. in other words,I have to count my each penny. Now I always been a spendthrift and had very casual approach toward money. This is another reason for which I was never been serious about my career. Moreover,all the money woes are been taken care of by parents. I was not daddy's spoilt brat who loves to spend dad hard earned money but then I didn't even bothered about it.
Right now I am working as a part time trainer in an NGO but I have to increase my productivity.
How I will tell you later...... still then Bye

Life goes on

30 May, 2013

Hi,

Its been long long time. Actually its been almost two years since my last blog. So much has changed since then.
Back then I was still frustrated, under confident, desperate, unemployed youth who don't know from where to start. Now when I look myself I still see the same gal with the same problem but things have slightly changed. good or bad, I don't know but change is definitely there.
I think, maybe I have became calmer, quieter, yes little bit older but wisher... hmm.... maybe or yes maybee... I don't know ? Only time will answer that.
The thing which has definitely changed is that Ms Nobody has changed to Mrs Nobody. Now this newly wed Mrs Nobody has to deal with all new sets of problem along with the old one. Life is far from boring; its new kind of depression which surrounds me now.
To begin with, as you can see I am still late to post my blog. This is the basic thing which I am showing you. I am still late, still casual, still over dreamy and most important of all very late to propagate the situation. All this has created a havoc in my married life. Along with that new sets of problem which arise when you enter into new horizon leaving your past abode and its memories behind. I am in hell. I am again writing in this same blog to start my afresh, Again.
I realized that going here and there will not save my ass. I have to start from where I have left. so, again after two years and going round to all the new blog sites I have realised that you can't find peace away from the things you like. I like Blogpost and I have returned back home.

Still then,
Bye

FEAR...................

Life is not fair. Life is not at all fair. no matter how you untangle your mess in life, it pose more tricker situation in front of you.
I want a job. I seriously want a job; whatever kind maybe. Thanks to my stars I got a job. I f I sloved this problem I now came to face to face with new problem. This job is a trash. I hate this job. I hate the sheer name of the job. Whenever I hear this name I feel replusive. I am always stressed out and don't know how to keep myself in safe place. Pablo said that when you want something then the universe conspire against you make it happen.
I have felt that. I know inside me that I want it but there are some more questions which need to be answered. How much I want it? Did I deserve to be there? Am I worth it? Am I making fool of myself? there lords and lords of issue which I have to deal with.
I am very scared. I don't know what to do. My fear for the job or fear of saving my ass is striping my happy hours, my determination and most importantly living life on my own terms. I always felt that I am remote controled. tomorrow I have big test and I have to pass in flying color.
God Help Me!!!!!! I need your blessing.
Your child is very lonely and scared.

time to change

hi,
there is no time to sit by and to see the life just passing by in front of you; there is no time to see that you are in somebody else's control. believe me, nothing sucks more than to losing your control on your self.
so, you need a fresh start. I know, I have said this line many times over but you have to remind yourself time and again, otherwise you lose motivation. I have past my fear( well almost ) and now its time to give second chance to yourself.
First of all, you have to fight your fear. but saying that, it is not at all easy to do in pratice. there are certain fear which you have to overpower for your rest your life and it is continious process which you have to do all along..

i hate it!!!

invasion on privacy

Ok!! here comes one tricky situation - how to handle improper sexual advances from the close quarters of the family? my experiences from my own cousin with whom i have been very close to since childhood.

he never molested me but his behavior is very improper. at the beginning i used to bluff it as my imagination; i used to believe that it was careless and innocent touch. moreover i used to stay in another city and so his chances were less and i have my own stuff to do.

but things changed after i shifted to new city and things became bit complicated when his elder sister was engaged. a typical middle class Bengali families stick together thick and thin. so naturally our visit increased to make preparation for their big day.

it was only during the wedding that i realised his dirty mind. during a typical Bengali wedding a mass bedding is led on where all the relation sleep like there are stucked in odd hours in the station. anyway during the celebration he would always tried to sleep beside me and the odd hours in the night he used to touch me inappropriately. it was then i realised that whatever i used to think all this years was true!

i don't know how i felt at that moment - for few moment i was blank; i was clueless, out of my wits and totally confused......... actually i don't know how i was reacting. the cousin is four years younger and i used to treat him like Kidd bro. he stripped all kind of dignity( i don't know what else to say). but there was one more shock to come. he is doing same thing one of my cousin. this girl is same age as my this so called Kidd bro and she is in serious relationship. i was thinking did i was giving any signal which he misunderstood but after listing same ordeal from my another cousin i realised that this guy in nothing else than a - bastard.

but my problem does not end there. i just want show my rage to him, i want to charge him face to face but i am unable to do so, i am overpowered with shyness and embarrassment and my silence has given more courage to invade my privacy. i am trying to avoid him and trying to maintained as nothing happened. the problem is he behave normally in social gathering but at home he is horrible. he just keep on insisting to share the bed and show his devil side pretending to be asleep. he loves pornography and i was surprised to see that he was quite bold enough to see this banned sites in my comp.

things are getting out of hand. this bastard is banking on our silence and our embarrassment. he has realised that we wont say anything to anybody. we share our ordeal with my other cousin and i am too ashamed to talk all this stuff with my parents. i will i say to my father that your own sis's son is a moron. but i have to do something. i have to stand up for my dignity. this silence is killing me and i am very much ashamed in myself. i have to charge him red handed.....

please give me courage to talk about this stuff( because i am too embrassed to talk openly). please give me courage because this guy is a coward who just stab in the back.

THANK YOU GIRLS!!!!!

Hi,

Life is very strange thing and according to me it is the most mystifying thing in the world. The more you try to tame it, more it glide away from our hand. I know this thing had been told now and then but it is very true that our life never shape like we plan. It has its own journey.

I just wondered how can I live my life peacefully when nothing goes according to my plans. I never gave a serious thought regarding this matter but when you are down with your stars these vague queries just popped in your head like popcorn and believe me it is very scary.

With all these doubt I got chance to teach two young girls as a private tutors. These 6th std girls are from different families, different school, different upbringing and of course poles apart personalities. But they are unique, special and enriching ( at least for me ) in their own ways. Teaching these girls kept me engaged in weekdays. As a teacher my job was to give them lesson but I have least idea that in return I can learn and see many things from them. I also found that daily life can be fun if we are ready to pick the its-bits of our life. But more importantly we should step up from our well in our conscience than life can be very enriching.

There are also many other things which I have gained from this girls. The list is long which I am unable to expressed in proper terms. Your unconditional love, support, your complete trust, your faith in me has really helped me to mend my broken confidence. And of course your childish quries, your innocent antics and your sweet pranks has always made my day.

Thank you girls!!!!! For Everything

Telling Likes !!!!!!

OK!!! let talk about something different ............ something different aspect of my life. lets talk about my likes. And dislike - may be some other time..........

Now I'm lost. I don"t know from where do I start. hmm.... OK; I like books especially novels. I generally prefer classic English literature. But now a days I'm trying to expand my range. Now a days I like to read books ranging from detective to adventure.

I like good music; music of popular taste appeals me like top chart buster bollywood movies and sometimes English but my liking is strictly limited. but sometimes I like soft melodious folks music and sometimes songs from my native language- Bengali

I like movies especially Hollywood and Bollywood movies. But after coming in Kolkata and watching some of the internationally acclaimed movies, my liking has enriched. today i watched a beautiful Bengali film - Antaheen........ man, i really liked. I'm think of making a copy of this film.

Okey, i want to say something. All these above hobbies has been there since childhood and they will be there when I'll take my last breath. But other than that there are few which I'll definitely like to develop in my near future or in other word I have developed an interest in recent years.

1. Love for photography - This digital camera is the best thing that can happen in the field of photography. unlimited photography has given me a budding desire to explore this field. I'm still in initial stage but then I want to give it a shot.

2. Love for travelling - I'm 26 and I've never traveled in my life. I always wanted to see the world; the world which is completely different from our world. The people, their custom and their manners .............. all these thing has always fascinates me. Actually my love for books, world cinema. In fact my intrest for studying journalism came from this thing. I never got chance is another story but I think I can travel many places before I die ....... maybe........... (amen)

3. Want to pursue something creative - I always remain a slacker in my life. I never pursue any extra- cirrucualr activity. but now I want to learn something. I think something musical ...... maybe dance or playing any musical intrument ..... anything ...... i've not decided yet.

4. Starting cooking - again i want to prepare different recipe ..................

Last few thing may not come as my favorite hobbies. In fact it changed into something I want to do. But i want of them to be part of life. It'll be a great fun.........

Something New Maybe......? who knows.....

I was till struggling with my demons when out of nowhere I got an offer for an tuition. It was fortnight ago when suddenly my phone rang. I was asked to teach arts to a 6th standard kid. I have to do three days a week to teach her subject.

The offer is not at all attractive; to teach five subject I am just merely paid Rs 700. And moreover it is not in my locality. I have to take a bus ride for about half an hours to reach my destination. Financially speaking I am gaining nothing. It has nothing to do with a good lucrative career or the money I am getting it not fit for me to buy me a pair of good shoes!! But at this delicate point of my life; first I have to recollect my strength, my confidence and my hope without which I cannot face the outside world.

BACKFIRE....

I started my " re-gain life spirit" with much pomp pomp. As I previously mentioned that I choose different lifestyle program i.e "mind- beauty program" and believe me was really great. I actually like it and I was feeling the difference inside me. I think I was feeling positive, cheerful, hopeful etc etc.

But as usual my demons are back- my laziness, my negativity and my inferiority complex just creep inside me. Again I am where I was in the start with the sense of lost. Sincerity is there no doubt but sometimes my the fire just extinguish without a trace.

Before I deal with my life I have to do something with these lapse of concentration. But at the same time I came to conclusion that there is no escape from fear. The more you run the more its haunt you. I have no choices; I have to face and fight with my fear. And how I will do it I don't know. I think I have to do this my whole life.

Now for the time being I have to do What I started few days ago.