10 light years after I am stiil me!!! Shraboni 2.0

Hi,

After a lot of hula boo, I finally ended up from where I begin. A lot of things has changed but still a lot of remains unchanged. It's funny to write again on the same page after nearly having divorced with writing. Frankly speaking, writing has become a distant dream. I have lost my motivation and mojo.

However I must say whenever some shit happens in my life, I try to find my solace in writing. Funny Ha!!!
So what happened to me after 2015 which is actually my last blog post in this platform. So let me get clear that I was still into writing but all the ideas are in my head and I tried many other platforms but blogging platform has diminished over the years and I don't feel like writing about it. Till date, it was the best platform I have.
Secondly, there is a lot of other stuff which was going in my life. Job and thankfully decent one and took the teacher training has been achieved. one positive output is that I finally overcame my frustration for not fulfilling my dream of not getting admitted to Mass Communication. When I started this blog I was seriously depressed and disillusioned. I was totally a trainwreck. It was not of the darkest period of my life. If I wouldn't have documented my pitfall, I would have turned suicidal.

Thankfully I have left those days behind. Now I am a full-time school teacher and yes I have persued the profession which I resented most. Now I like to teach. Again in these 10 years, I have become more city pro which I always dreamed of. I am more independent and I won't trade that with anything.

Having said that I want to state very clearly that I am still me with all the insecurities, obsession and what not. I am still lazy, still lives in illusion and lazy. Now I am married and a family to support minus children with an extreme financial crunch and hubby business just giving lukewarm support and my salary not supporting enough, My life is again in the middle of the circus ring.
Now i have fresh sets of nightmare and it comes with Shraboni's problem 2.0.... Life journey continues.

22/2/2015

hi,

I don,t know when the last time I wrote this. whenever I want to do something meaningful I just do something this or that but never those which need to be done. As a result, the whole day is wasted and the end of the day I feel miserable, guilty and most importantly empty. this emptiness is killing me.

One silver lining is that I am still in a steady relationship with my hope. she hadn't left me. Thank God! for that. I keep on trying. Fail .... hmm.. yes ....most of the time but try to learn from the mistakes. There are a lot to be done with me, but I am getting a better version of myself inch by inch, day by day.
 Marriage has changed me a lot. I am still impulsive, lazy and highly sensitive, but I can control way better. relationship with husband........... hmm........ not the romantic types..... and definitely not the very humdrum or boring....... but very realist and practical one. (Please don't get any wrong idea about him. In fact, he is the most genuine and compassionate guy I came across. Very trustworthy and loyal to me. Things which has become very rare in 21st century relationship). Now both of us standing on the flimsy and wet ground which is losing its capacity to hold us for long.

Since my teenage years I want my life to be the adventurous one where I have a chance to explore my horizon; to be able to learn something every day. never in my wildest dream I thought that it will be realized in the boring four corners of the domestic wall.

Being a 21st century gal,  I have to excel in everything. I have to be a domestic goddess, smart career women who have an excellent knack for shifting gear from close four corners of your house to the endless horizon under the blue sky.

During the first year of my marriage, I kept on complaining about this new phase in my life. Then I realize I will go nowhere with my complaints and not eevn to my husband. Yes...... seems shocking.......... We are always been told that this special man with change your life,turns yours life in a Disney land but no..

Our society put so much pressure on getting married. there are thought which are sowed in our head that you marriage will solve your problem and when there is love it will take you anywhere you want.BULLSHIT!! every relationship comes with its demand and to make your relationship works you have to search a person with whom you are more competent with.... love can bear its fruits from them. don't take your baggage with you.nobody wants to bear your burden whole life singlehandedly. even I also hate to hear his excuses and petty complaints and frustrations all the time. I so get fuck up. if it can happen to me then why he will feel it the same way. Now I deal with my own problems.

This is my current background....... I hope thatI will write soon... And yes, I have told I don't know what numbers of time..... I'll write, I'll write...... but this time am serious. Till then BYE and wish me that I write soon.
BYE!

Hi.

sorry, for not writing a thing for so many days. I will not say that 'I was busy', 'something great was happening' 'I was sick' and many blah blah blah.......... The main reason is that........... ok there is no main reasons. I was lazy, too exhausted at one time to angry on the other time. I don't have any excuse to defend me.

having saying that I don't want to shed my shit and frustration on the virtual paper. I want to write something very meaningful. ( MEANINGFUL is a big word. I will say words which makes some senses).

Once upon a time when all the 15 years olds trying to figure out their lives, I would sit in my modest cot all the crawled up and eyes blurred with dreams and fantasies. I want to travel, to see many things, meet different peoples and to interact with different cultures. Ironically life turned outdo be something else. now when I look back I have regrets but i got wisher with age. ht.

Few dreams never able to see the first ray of the sunlight but still there are moment in life that makes you stop and give a small smile or maybe a wink in your face.

Live to Live

1st January, 2014

Again, Time has changed its course giving new hope and dimension to the world. Again, its time to give fresh colour to your life, turning new leaf and thrive to be a better person. With this note, I wish a very grand happy new year. Since nobody is there to listen to me, I wish myself a very happy and prosperous new year.

As I said its time to start afresh, I looked backward and forward at the same time. I looked backward to collect those pieces of that little girl who wants to conquer the world and want to set her feet on the untrod den road . At the same time I look forward to a woman who has already set her path and now she is walking along in this time tested path where many women has walked along.

On my 30th year on this world, I found that life is not filled with rosy colour and at the same time there are many color which may not be as bright as rose but they do enrich your life. I found that when you want to push your boundaries, then life throw you in a corner and when you make room in that corner, life again push to a new boundaries. You may not like it. You dreams may shatter, you may get lost and it is most likely that you will be seriously heartbroken. You may think yourself as a piece of garbage and a puppet in the hand of fate. What you will do then?

Have Faith. When big things don,t happens, settle for small things. sometimes letting it go is the biggest and toughest decision in life.Fight as much as you can. Fight till you drop. But before giving up, and then put down your guns.

Open up. Open Up to all the new experiences and adventure. You may not know what you  may see in the next corner. Some times the things which appears  be boring may not be so boring. Today I loved being settling down with a man who is not at all perfect and not even close to be my dream man but some how i learnt to love him. His all new and old and even odd whimsies is now a part of my being.

Yet, the little robust young girl refuse to die down. Even I don't want to kill it either. If I kill that girl, then I will die itself. Today whatever I am because of her. In spite of all her follies, setbacks and defeat, she was the girl of her own. She choose what she liked and know how to stick to it. she knew what she want from life. She was unapologetic, brave, optimist and brave.

On my 30th year, I conglomerate that little girl and the wiser young women to became a better person who is ready to take out a new leaf and give her life a refreshing twist. With this note,

Happy New Year, 2014!

4 November,

Hi,

when do you think everything is going to your plan? just tell me what is the feeling of being taking life in your control. i beg for my construction of my words as they are coming randomly form my head. I am even not watch over the spelling nor I am raising my head to check my answers.
 you will think not again............... again she is weeping her insecurities over her words. there are no one to rescue me from my worries, my insecurities or my frustration, so i end up throwing my pains in words. I assume that at least my words will understand the true me. when i am writing ( most of the time nonsense) but it give me a sense of worthiness in me. I went back to my dull life with new energy.
each one of us want to make niche of herself in this world. some professionally and some personally. Well, my deepest desire is to write; just write like a queen.
but just like any wannabe writer my days are filled with thought for writing but I seldom write.
I don't want to get married because i thought marriage is the end of life but looking at everybody and listening to everybody, I decided to get married. Now i am married ready to complete my first anniversary but i don't know is this the life which i wanted? Am I happy because I don't feel so. everyday we have share of our fight which end up in violent steak.
My in laws assumed that a girl has to be a domestic goddess no matter what. you have to be born as domestic goddess otherwise your other thing  are of no use. and last but not the least, men in my in laws's house including my husband are not born to cooperate or share household work. this things has to done by females in family.
Apart from that, there are loads of superstitions and customs which are are part of sophisticated culture of my in laws's family. Now, a rational, an iconoclast, male bashing feminist and a rebellious girls like me, this things are outrageous.
now here i am stuck in bad marriage for life. I am dying. HELP!!!

(if somebody who bother to read my blog doesn't understand a bit, then your displeasure is regretted as I wrote what came to my mind and i am not very comfortable with keybord as my hand doesnot match my mind.)

13 September, 2013

Hi,
I promise myself that I will write blog everyday; just like diary writing. Then I reformed myself I recapitulate that I will write a blog frequently, if not regularly and definitely not occasionally. however my bad luck I am sucked in my decision. No doubt I start but did not finish. there are lots and lots draft which I fail to complete. I have to take my blog very seriously.

Right now, In my new life ( i.e married life ), I am facing a huge financial crunches. in other words,I have to count my each penny. Now I always been a spendthrift and had very casual approach toward money. This is another reason for which I was never been serious about my career. Moreover,all the money woes are been taken care of by parents. I was not daddy's spoilt brat who loves to spend dad hard earned money but then I didn't even bothered about it.
Right now I am working as a part time trainer in an NGO but I have to increase my productivity.
How I will tell you later...... still then Bye

Life goes on

30 May, 2013

Hi,

Its been long long time. Actually its been almost two years since my last blog. So much has changed since then.
Back then I was still frustrated, under confident, desperate, unemployed youth who don't know from where to start. Now when I look myself I still see the same gal with the same problem but things have slightly changed. good or bad, I don't know but change is definitely there.
I think, maybe I have became calmer, quieter, yes little bit older but wisher... hmm.... maybe or yes maybee... I don't know ? Only time will answer that.
The thing which has definitely changed is that Ms Nobody has changed to Mrs Nobody. Now this newly wed Mrs Nobody has to deal with all new sets of problem along with the old one. Life is far from boring; its new kind of depression which surrounds me now.
To begin with, as you can see I am still late to post my blog. This is the basic thing which I am showing you. I am still late, still casual, still over dreamy and most important of all very late to propagate the situation. All this has created a havoc in my married life. Along with that new sets of problem which arise when you enter into new horizon leaving your past abode and its memories behind. I am in hell. I am again writing in this same blog to start my afresh, Again.
I realized that going here and there will not save my ass. I have to start from where I have left. so, again after two years and going round to all the new blog sites I have realised that you can't find peace away from the things you like. I like Blogpost and I have returned back home.

Still then,
Bye